03 September 2014

Lettera ad una Matrioska

From: squabus
Date: 4 July 2011 16:31
Subject:  bad and good news
To: matrioska

HI M.,
I was not able to call you: as you know I get in panic and blocked by the phone, but still this is a difficult mail to write.
I always think I can keep up, I can manage, I always guess there is someone else that needs more help than me... and that I can deal with this. So I keep being quite waiting for my moment. But the point is that it would be better for me to talk about this as soon as possible. I know I will have to call you, meanwhile i felt like writing, I hope you will find this email...

Life has been quite shaken in only few days. I have been in Italy to see my mum last week. I  am happy I did it because my dad was not giving me the complete information.
She is dying, they do not know when, they do not say much, but she has metastasis all over the spine, the hearth, the bones, she got multiple fractures and she can't walk and probably she will never again.
I was impressed by the strength I found in my self to keep up. The question I ask my self and I worry  about is if I will be able to keep this strength until the end? She is so angry and closed in her self, she built this big wall and it is not possible to truly communicate. It has not been easy to stay with her, but it felt right and good for me. I would have felt worse elsewhere. I decided to come back to D. for two very clear and important reasons: one is that I am afraid the worse with her has still to come: I am deeply worried about (and if - doctors prefer to be extremely cautious in giving "perspectives") she will be able to go home. My dad can't manage this and even if he could, the situation would anyway be so bad and unhealthy for both of them. I have been thinking so much in these days about this guiltiness feeling we are working on. I am sure I am improving someway, because I see  I manage to get rid of useless and totally out of place feelings and concerns.
Still, I am not able to consider myself as a completely separate entity from all this situation.
I have been trying to write down about this but I do not get to explain it clearly. Anyway it is not simply that I feel guilty.
It is like I know that something terrible or wrong is happening and I have to do something to prevent worse things to happen.

The second reason I came back is because after 1 week of 8 hours average at the hospital I was starting to feel tired and this is a moment to recover strenght. Not only for my mum. I found out the day before leaving that I am pregnant. I am so happy and feel deep in myself that everything will be ok, that i will be able to take care of this life. But still i know i have still a lot to fight, to improve and find more stability, because this baby, F. and I: we all deserve it.

We have an appointment set for 13th July at 16.30, but I would be relieved if we could also meet before.
Thanks a lot


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. Oh, Squa. E' un dolore ancora vivo, la vita e la morte sono sempre strettamente intrecciate. Ti abbraccio forte.

  3. Sono due giorni che ho questo post aperto e continuo a leggerlo, senza sapere bene cosa scrivere. Il tuo dolore è palpabile, ancora a distanza di anni. Scoprire di avere la vita dentro e non poter trattenere quella fuori.
    Ti stringo forte Squa e ti penso, sperando con te che presto arrivi ancora una volta la vita. A riempire, senza portare via.


Io lo so cosa stai pensando.
Lo scrivo, non lo scrivo, quasi quasi lo scrivo. Ma no dai...
E' lo stesso che penso anche io quasi ogni volta.
Ma tu prova, prova a lasciare una traccia.
Non sarà invano.

Prova pro-pro-prova